Comedian Ronnie Khalil Puts His Own Spin on the Valentine's Day Cupid Myth

After a few drinks, someone that you once thought was hideous, isn’t too bad; a few more and they’re pretty good looking; quite a few more, and hey, they become “really hot.” This is your lucky day, someone that hot, is sitting all alone…for the past 6 hours.  WooHoo!  Boy, are you lucky.

Ronnie Khalil

You see ladies, the male mind, slightly intoxicated, and burdened by the knowledge that we’re, well, horny, puts 2 and 2 together, gets 3 ½, and just figures that the ugly girl must have mysteriously vanished, and in her place a really hot girl magically appeared.  Hey, in the male utopian land of “Lesbonia,” located somewhere between fantasy and extreme fantasy, this makes perfect sense.  This, coupled with the fact that all our blood is rushing to our pelvic region, simply reinforces that this wondrous being, is in fact, the “girl of our dreams.”   Faced with this fortuitous situation, you do the one thing that any warm-blooded, small bladdered man would do: you go to the bathroom.

While in the bathroom men, you are trying to decide how to approach the future mother of your children. You think you still have the ability to tell the difference from pretty and ugly, but in truth, you can’t even figure out that you are pissing in the sink and not in the toilet - Hell, you may not even be in the bathroom; and why is that guy wearing a chef’s hat?

Either way, you end up leaving the bathroom with a renewed sense of confidence and a plate of chicken Quesadillas.  You’ve formulated the plan of saying something suave and debonair, unfortunately, all you end up doing is staring at her breasts and going, “Me likey.” 

She laughs, you puke, BOOM! Match made in Heaven.

Next thing you know, you’re waking up in the morning with a giant headache, in a cheap hourly motel, with a giant cockaroach on the wall, smoking a cigar, saying, “Damn, you got me and the Misses real excited last night.”

You know you did something you shouldn’t have; and judging by the stains on the sheets, probably 3 or 4 times.  You begin to pray that the person sleeping next to you is at least half as pretty as you remember.  Don’t worry…they’re not.  Hell, you’d be lucky if they have half a set of teeth and a separation in their eyebrows.

At this point, against every primitive instinct in your body, you decide that you have to find out how pretty – or how anti-pretty  – your former bed-buddy really is.  At this stage in the game, one of three things can happen:

1. You are still drunk, think they are not that bad, and decide to go at it for another round until you sober up.
2. You take a look, they are that bad, and you hope none of your friends were sober enough to remember that your lies your about to tell them, are not the way it really happened.
3. You take a look, and the person sleeping next to you is actually rather pretty.

Now, before I explain why outcome #3 is possible, let me first make a general statement about the one-night stand: no two parties are ever equally content with each other and end up living happily ever after.  That is why they last ONE NIGHT!

Now, if you experienced outcome #3, then congratulations, you are probably missing most of your teeth and possess a uni-brow! You did much better than anyone ever thought you would, use it as fuel to live the rest of your life alone.

But if you are in outcome #3, this means that your horizontal lambda partner is probably suffering from outcome #2.  If you are really lucky, they drank so much alcohol they are still in outcome #1.  At this point feel free to go at it once more, and maybe purchase a disposable camera to document the event and use it as blackmail for an occasional booty call; but eventually they will sober up, realize what they’ve done, and probably end their life with a blunt hatchet.

So many of you may ask, “Ronnie what have we learned from this short, yet insightful, story?”

Well, we’ve learned a lot.

Ladies: you’ve learned that no matter how hideous you are, there is always a guy who is that drunk and desperate.

And men: we’ve learned that women are like a wine.  Although most are great in their youth; some seem to get even better with age. And we’ve also learned that sometimes at 3 o’clock in the morning, when funds are low, and the only thing open is the Quick-E-Mart, we have to settle for that 3 gallon jug …we know its going to give us a horrible hangover in the morning, and we’ll probably regret it for the rest of our lives; but as long as the wine has been aged properly, and we can’t go to jail for it, it’s a heck of a lot better than squeezing our own grapes.

Ronnie Khalil is a part of the Miami Comics, and has performed in the Boston, NY Underground and Arab-American Comedy Festivals, recently taped for Comedy Central's 'Watch List', recorded voiceovers for Conan O'Brian, and been heard on the BBC, NPR and Air America.

More Info: Visit http://www.miamicomics.com